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How To Fail Your Management.

November 22, 2008

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For want of a more specific title I thought I’d let you all in on a few sure fire ways to completely screw up the management of your companies, organisations, associations, school groups…

Assuming the responsibility of managing a group
of people implies motivating them to want to work for you. One of the best ways to turn this idea upside down (hence attain our objective of total failure) is to demotivate people to the point where they will want to work against you.

Now employees are hardier than one thinks. People are able to put up with awful conditions and horrible office politics and bite the bullet and continue to work. This is no good. If your team is just sucking it up and turning up everyday then you are not really failing. You are not really succeeding either but the idea of these posts is to objectively and completely fail.

One of the best ways to do this is to take away any form of recognition for the work done. I’m not talking about the pay (although pay cuts are pretty efficient) I’m talking about giving your team the impression of working in a vacuum. If people work or don’t work the result is the same. Now listen carefully because here is the tricky part – you must do this whilst secretly overloading the people with work to be done including impossible deadlines with vague instuctions and even vaguer objectives.

So the idea is lots of work with no discernable point and absolutely no follow up. Failure!

All this should be done by isolating as much as possible individual departments. No one part of your company should know what the others are doing. If you do this successfully employees will even forget what the hell the company even does to make money. Days will become just a blur of endless and mindless tasks all of which are urgent and completely incomprehensible.

Statistics are a good way to justify any task and of course accounting departments are a good place to start. I’m sure you can extract some obscure and opaque stats from accounts to frown over during a meeting and plan a number of bizarre and pointless missions. The team will frown along with you and prepare themselves for yet another ridiculous and time consuming pseudo-management decision.

Result? You guessed it – failure!

chirac

Back all of this up with a few meetings which are just platforms for you to speak. One good technique to back up all the stats and missions is to use that closed mouth look (which Jacques Chirac above has now permanently adapoted) like you are disappointed with everyone (whilst not really saying why) and remaining a stature of a victim like it’s not your fault (without really explaining why either).

I guarantee your team will want nothing more than to organize to work against you. You will fail. It’s as easy as that.

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